Yep, I know, I haven’t posted any of these (or anything) for some time. That’s because my children have been mute for weeks. Oh wait, I take that back; I was just wearing earplugs.
Actually, I was sorting through all the cobwebs on my blog, and I came across several posts I’d started a few months back. So I dusted this one off and wrapped it up for a little end-of-the-week comic relief… or something like that.
Back in October, as we were about to head out for our Monday co-op, my daughter threw a little extra twist into the bathroom sagas just to keep me on my toes. After all, I hadn’t cried or called my husband to announce that I was a complete failure at everything, and it was already going on 8:15 a.m.
As I was rounding everyone up for the march to the car, I opened the back door to find my 3-year-old standing on the patio with her underpants around her ankles and a guilty look on her face.
“Avery, did you just have an accident?” I inquired.
“No, I not have anscident.”
“Well, why are your underpants down like that? Do you have to go potty?”
“No, I alweady go to potty.”
“You did? Did you do pee-pee or poopy?”
“Well, I did poopy.”
“Where did you do poopy, Avery?”
“Oh, I will schow you. I do poopy out here.”
“Oh no, Avery, what do you mean you did poopy out here? Where?”
She turned around, underpants still around her ankles, and shuffled over to the planter area on the side of house where our cat will occasionally do his business when he sneaks outside.
She pointed matter-of-factly into the planter, and behold, a tiny turd lay before me.
“Yes, I do see. Avery, you don’t go poopy outside. You go poopy in the potty. Why did you do that?”
“Oh, I sowwy, Mommy. I tawt I can go dewr.”
“No, Avery, this is where the kitty cats go potty. This is yucky. Did you put your bottom down here or just squat down?”
“No (laughing at me like I was just talking nonsense now), I not put my bommom where Hamms do his poopy.”
And that is how we came to be late to our co-op.
Don’t worry, this is the Greene Family we’re talking about here. I’ve got many more moments of public humiliation. Read on!
Donovan, my 6-year-old, gave a shout-out to the old universalism theory when he incorrectly answered a rhetorical question Fr. Charlie asked during a homily a couple months back. The excerpt goes something like this:
Fr. Charlie: “Will there be non-Catholics and even non-Christians in Heaven? Absolutely? But will everyone get there?”
Donovan (excitedly from the pew): “Yes!”
Uh, I’m sorry, that’s wrong — however your optimism is touching. Thank you for playing Shout Out Your Heresy at Mass. Now, back to catechetical drawing board. Hey, aren’t you the son of the Director of the Kino Institute for Catechetical Studies? This must be embarrassing for everyone!
Speaking of embarrassment, just know that I did my whole Natural Family Planning talk at one of our recent God’s Plan for a Joy-Filled Marriage seminars with a wardrobe malfunction.
Let’s see, how can I best explain this? I have a baby. He joins us for our all-day presentations. He needs to nurse. When you’re in a hurry, sometimes things don’t quite get put back where they belong. This leads to standing up in front of people for an hour yapping about fertility awareness only to have your husband whisper, “You have three breasts.”
Now, that ought to make you all feel better about yourselves. Thank you, and that’s a wrap.
- Dry well?
- Another Radio Show Update